Here we are again, with a mass update because I am forgetful.
Day 12: Music
This may sound really silly, but the song I remember most is “I’ll Be Missing You” by Puff Daddy. The one line of the song that gets me every time is “What a life to take, what a bond to break, I’ll be missing you.” I feel like it perfectly sums up how it feels to lose a child, for the bond between myself and Charles will always be there, but it was broken too soon.
Day 13: Season
Charles made his grand entrance 11 weeks early, in July. He was originally due in September. I always find the summer hard, especially July, but I find fall a hard time too. I think of all the fun things we could do with him, like carving a pumpkin, going on a hayride and picking out costumes. For his first Halloween he was going to be a penguin or an Angry Bird. I also find the holidays hard. Opening presents, and gathering with family is hard because our little guy should be there, in his Christmas suit enjoying the holidays too. Really, all seasons are hard because I’m continuing life without one of the biggest parts of mine.
Day 14: Dark/Light
This prompt is meant to acknowledge the dark and light sides of grief. The moments where you are angry, and the moments where you aren’t. There weren’t a lot of moments when everything fell apart. I was lucky, I have Jerry and he was so supportive of everything happening to us. We never blamed each other, or felt guilty. Even now, a year and some change later, struggling with infertility there is no blame. I have to say, other than the overwhelming days of grief (which still happen) I have experience a lot of light in this process. I have met and befriended an amazing group of women, and they are one of the biggest gifts I’ve received in all this.
Day 15: Community
As I’ve mentioned before, I belong to a group of women who carried their babies to term, knowing they would not get long with them. They have been my solace, my friends, basically my sisters. There are also many other websites and publications which have made the journey a bit easier. I do wish it wasn’t so taboo to talk about losing a child, no matter what stage of pregnancy it happens in. Babies die, nobody likes it, but they do and the women who are given this burden deserve to be talked about and acknowledged just like every other mother.
Day 16: Retreat
This is supposed to be about protecting your heart after Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I didn’t feel like I had to retreat from anything to protect myself, because I felt support and love yesterday. Not many know the journey I am on, but I do have support.