Becoming Comfortable in my Own Skin…

I recently read an article about “Things a Woman Learns by the Time She Turns 25.”  Having recently turned 25, I was intrigued to see if I had in fact learned anything new in 25 years of life.  A lot of it focused on owning your beauty, and gaining independence, but the one line that caught me was “You’ve learned that your own version of being a 20-something is just right for you.”  It caught me by surprise because at 21, when I got engaged, I got the usual responses varying from how young I was, to asking me if I was sure this is what I wanted.  When I got married at almost 24, the responses had moved onto our decision to try having children right away.  I was still considered too young to everyone, and I was still asked if I was sure children were what we wanted.  Anyway, I had decided at that point that maybe my idea of being a 24 year old woman, included being someone’s wife and a mother.  Five months later, I was  pregnant with our first child, and so begins how I spent my 24th year of life, fighting for the tiny human inside of me.  As I enter my 25th year of life, I am still spending it fighting to create life, while at the same time fighting to keep my son’s brief life important. 

I am 25 years old, a wife and a mother to one amazing son, who happens to be soaring high in the sky.  I am 25 years old and I am desperately trying to conceive another child, one I will hopefully get to strap into the beautiful car seat I bought, but sadly had to put into storage.  I am 25 years old, and in my spare time I scour the internet for articles ensuring me that I will not have a repeat of what happened in my last pregnancy. 

I am 25 years old, and while being married and a mother at such a young age is not everyone’s cup of tea, it’s mine.  It’s my own version of being a 20-something.

Getting Back Into the Swing of Things…

Hello 2014!!!

I have long been absent from my blog, and for that I apologize. Life sort of took over.
I made it through the holidays without my little man. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. If my son cannot be here on Earth with me, what better place for him to celebrate than in Heaven?

We have desperately been trying for our rainbow baby. It’s been 6 long months with no results yet, but we haven’t given up hope. We have our first appointment for Clomid at the end of this month. My amazing doctor has urged me to give them a try (which I was leery of at first) because nothing is happening yet.

The grief hasn’t stopped, however it has lessened. I still have the overwhelming waves of grief where I am not so sure how I made it 6 months without my son. I however belong to an AMAZING group of women who also carried to term. These group of women are by far some of the best support I have ever received. I feel so fortunate to have an amazing group of friends.

The focus of the blog will most likely be shifting from my process of carrying to term, to the rest of my life without my son, and of course a hopeful rainbow pregnancy.

Thanks for reading…

Oh to be Thankful…Days 7&8

Day Seven:

Today I was thankful for Charles.  Although I am thankful for him everyday, I was particularly thankful because he made me the mom I’ve always wanted to be.  I was thankful to have the opportunity, for however brief because many people will never get that at all.

Day Eight:

Today was another day where I was thankful for Jerry.  He has always been such a constant source of support through all of our life together. 

Oh to be Thankful…Days 5&6

Day Five:

Today I was thankful for my age.  It seems something stupid to be thankful for, but I am so thankful that this didn’t happen to me at 39 years old. 

Day Six:

Another thing that might be stupid to be thankful for: my parenting outlook changed after I lost Charles.  Things I think I would’ve taken for granted before, will now become precious memories.  I have been considering cloth diapering, and for sure becoming a stay at home mom.

Oh to be Thankful…Days 3&4

Day Three:

Today I am thankful for my kitten Ellie.  She has brought me so much joy in the just the two short weeks I’ve had her.  I hate to say she filled the void my heart has from losing Charles, but she has.  It’s nice to have something to come home to.

Day Four:

Today I am thankful for Jerry.  (Although he could apply to everyday)  I am so happy that in the midst of the crazy world, I found him.  I’m so thankful that even in the face of the immense tragedy surrounding the death of our son, we have stayed strong together.  I couldn’t imagine going through any part of life with anyone else. 


Oh to be Thankful…

I have found another month long blog project!  You spend the thirty days of November finding something you are thankful for every day.  Maybe this time around I won’t lose my motivation halfway through…

Day One:

I am thankful for my health.  It may seem cliché even, but I am so incredibly thankful that I am a mere 24 (almost 25!) and in good health, not only for the ability to have more children, but to live a long life with Jerry and the rest of my family.

Day Two:

Today I was thankful for my job.  Some days I don’t like it, but  I hear so many stories from customers about how they only have $20 for grocery money and it makes me thankful that I am able to have steady, reliable employment. 

Days Twenty-Six through Thirty-One

On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?

I don’t remember the 26th in great detail, but I will rate most days at about a 7. Each day for the rest of my life will never be the same, but I do not plan on letting the loss of my son define me. It will always be a part of me, and it changed me, but it is not strictly who I am. Therefore, I like to live everyday to the fullest and fill it with memories and love for Charles and my unborn children.

Share a picture.
I chose this picture because it was the first time I saw Charles…long before I knew he was going to be a boy, and long before everything happened. I had bled pretty much from the start of my pregnancy, and I was so scared that when they finally did this ultrasound, the baby would have already been gone. Low and behold, here was my little for the first time with a strong heartbeat of 114 beats per minute. I remember crying when the technician turned the screen towards me. It was about the only moment in my pregnancy where I felt like a normal, happy expectant mother.

Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

Luckily, I have not had to correct too many people. I find myself correcting people when they do not refer to him as a real baby, implying that I did not go through the same time of labor as a mother who got a living child. True his 2 pounds probably hurt less than a 7 pound baby, but I still went through delivery just like everyone else. The only thing different was the outcome. I also have had to correct my doctors when they refer to him as a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. He was a real, living, breathing (sometimes) baby and I did not miscarry him, I gave birth to him.

What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?

Still a gray area on this. I hope to see him again someday, and I think since I live a relatively honest lifestyle that he will be greeting Jerry and I when our time comes. I am curious to find out one day if he grew up, or if he stayed a baby so when I get to him, he will finally be mine to raise and take care of.

How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday’s and starting a new year)

To be honest, we aren’t. We aren’t doing anything this year. We were supposed to have our little man, and we just don’t feel like celebrating. To start the new year, we are hoping to be able to save some more money so we are better prepared if I end up on bed rest again. No longer will we assume that because I am so young, everything will be okay.

Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?

I don’t think it helped really, because I’ve always been open about my child and my grief. I do think the daily prompts sort of helped me categorize my grief, and help my anger.