1 year, 9 months and 12 days…

Or 651 days, or 15,624 hours.  That’s how long I’ve had to go on living without perhaps the biggest part of me. They say time heals all wounds, but I can assure you, this is a wound that is still as open as it was nearly 2 years ago. 

My baby would be almost 2! I can’t believe it. I wonder what he’d be up to. Perhaps causing trouble, tearing up my house, terrorizing my cat, keeping his Daddy and I up all hours of the night. Oh, how I wish he was here doing all those crazy things. I wonder if his golden blonde hair would’ve turned black like Jerry’s, or if his beautiful eyes would’ve stayed blue. I wonder if he’d be tall and lanky, or a bit more robust. 

That’s the thing about infant loss. We didn’t just lose the baby, we lost the 5 year old we will never get to send to school, we lost the 16 year old we will never get to teach to drive, we lost the man I’ll never get to see married to the the love of his life. I lost a lifetime of hopes and dreams when my precious son had to leave my arms. 

I guess this same idea goes with the painful and heart breaking infertility we are suffering. I’m not just dreaming of a baby, I’m dreaming of a lifetime to create an amazing human being. A little piece of the love Jerry and I have for each other out in the world. 

My sweet Charles, I know you would be simply amazing. Smart, sassy, caring and loving.  A perfect mix of your Dad and I. I miss everything about you. 

My sweet rainbow baby, I have faith that you’ll come when you are ready, and you’ll be as equally amazing as your big brother. I just hope you know that I’m ready for you. Your Dad and I have a lot of love to give, so whenever you’re ready, we’ll be waiting. 

I love you my babies, with all my heart. 

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